The Gristle Digest

The only satire podcast you need.

A weekly round-up of news and sport, chewing through the bits you were too disgusted to get through yourself...

Check out the latest episode on YouTube: http://tinyurl.com/hxfgcq7

CAMERON VS BORIS: PROJECT FACT VS PROJECT FEAR, ALIEN VS PREDATOR.

Britain is bracing itself for the biggest Tory punch-up since Thatcher’s famous biffing of Michael Heseltine in a row about his foppish hairdo. With Mayor of London and three-time Zip-wire World Champion Boris Johnson slamming the government’s pro EU stance, the Tory party is set for another Euro-sceptic-centric bloodbath.  Plans are already underway to build panic rooms into the Tory party’s Millbank HQ, with additional bunkers close to Westminster for Tory MPs to take refuge from the war that is soon to be raging around them. Some however, are using the impending duel as an opportunity for innovative merchandising.

“We’ve been piloting the idea of a Dave vs Boris computer game,” said Tory marketing manager, Willy Banter, “It’d be a beat-em-up kinda game, a bit like Mortal Kombat. Dave’s special weapon would be his tie which would double up as a garrotte, and Boris would have his turbo-powered rugby tackle, like the one he did on that Japanese school kid.”

Not wanting to miss out on an opportunity to plunder people’s money, Hollywood film makers have also stolen a ticket for the blue gravy train. The rumours swirling around the prostitutes and cracked pavements of Hollywood suggest that Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in a film about the Bullingdon-boy-brawlathon.

“We think it will be like an Alien vs Predator kinda thing. Two rampaging beasts battling it out, but with Arnie coming along and killing them both,” said Hollywood goss-boss, Roger Megood, whilst aggressively crossing his legs “Arnie will be great for this role. He’s so up to speed on the Brexit debate…only kidding! He thought Brexit was a laxative.” 

If the fight was over 12 rounds, you know who'd win.... 

HIP-HOP COMMUNITY LEFT REELING AFTER THE BEAT Y’ALL, SOMEONE DID STOP

Fourteen people were hospitalised and several others were left deeply in shock at a hip-hop concert in Atlanta, Georgia, where contrary to long and almost sacrosanct held expectations, “to the beat y’all”, someone did stop.

“Oh shit it just went crazy yo, everybody was losing their shit,” said hip-hop fan, Willard Fung, “Normally, you don’t stop, to the beat y’all, you don’t stop,” Fung continued, “But some crazy ass fool did stop! Right there in front of everyone, mother fucker stopped!”

Unable to cope with the stopping man, the rapper on stage, up and coming local performer, Rufus E, or Roof-E to his homies, collapsed onto a heap of mixing equipment, which fell off stage and caused a number of injuries. The most severe injuries however were sustained in the prolonged shoot out with automatic weapons that ensued.

Promoters in Atlanta’s thriving hip-hop community are said to already have begun implementing measures to prevent people from stopping in future.

“We spiking drinks with speed, we slipping niggers pills and shit,” said promoter, Dirt-E Preezt, “And if they still want to stop after that, we shoot the motherfuckers.”

Freddie never stops.

JADA PINKETT SMITH URGES PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION BOYCOTT IF THERE ARE NO BLACK NOMINEES

Following her recent tweets of disbelief at the lack of black nominees at this year’s Oscars, the Fresh Prince’s wife is again asking for a boycott if there is another failure to represent black people. Though most shared her dismay at the second all white Oscar nomination list a row, few shared her belief that the Presidential election was quite the same thing. Late yesterday, Jada Pinkett-Smith tweeted the following: “Boycott the presidential election if there are no black nominees. Ours is a strong and noble people.”

Sources close to Pinkett-Smith that her comments should not be misread, and that they are in effect and aftershock reaction to the earthquake of racism Pinkett-Smith felt at this year’s Oscar nomination list.

“After that list came, out, she started seeing racism everywhere,” said Willow Smith, shortly before shaking her hair back and forth, “She even said we should boycott the Indian restaurant because there were no blacks working there. It sucks, I liked that place. I flick my hair back and forth….”

Spike Lee joined once again was quick to join Pinkett-Smith in her calls for a race-wide boycott:

“Sister Pinkett-Smith is right. It’s time to boycott those cracker-ass racists.”

Another place boycotted by Jada Pinkett-Smith.

#ZEITbites

UK News
TORY PARTY DETERMINED TO LOSE ‘NASTY PARTY’ TITLE – In favour of the slogan much loved by Millwall fans: “Nobody likes us, we don’t care.”

DOCTORS STRIKE WINS WIDESPREAD SUPPORT… for private medical insurance providers.

World News
ANGELA MERKEL SET TO WELCOME MORE IMMIGRANTS… to take up residence in France as soon as possible.

WESTERN POWERS AND ISIS SET FOR DISCUSSIONS – Both sides are due to stage internal talks to determine exactly how to eliminate the other side.

Sport
CHELSEA PROMISE TO GIVE NEXT MANAGER A CHANCE… to cajole a bunch of self-important tossers into winning every trophy under the sun within a single season, at the absolute latest. 

UK ATHLETICS CALL FOR WIPING OF ALL RECORDS – Sebastian Coe is said to be disgusted at the dusty condition of the UKA’s vinyl collection.

Lord Coe was not pleased at the state of the UKA's original 5" copy of "Baby Love" by the Supremes

#ZEITbites

Politics

LABOUR’S NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES – Corbyn organises shadow cabinet visit to a local kebab shop…

LIB DEMS LOOK SET TO REGAIN POWER – Electricity finally turned on after three day power-cut at London HQ…

TORIES PLEDGE TO HELP THE YOUNG – …transition smoothly from benefit dependence into adult poverty….

LABOUR PEER SUPPORTS CORBYN – Lord Grabiner managed to catch a fainting Corbyn when he informed him of his resignation…

On his way not to meet the Queen.

Sport

ENGLAND BATSMEN SHOW FIGHT IN UAE – …for approximately twelve minutes, before wilting and folding like a defeated leaf of lettuce.

MOURINHO SHOWS HUMILITY IN DEFEAT TO WEST HAM – …though not before behaving like a bell-end and getting sent off.

KIWIS LOOK TO MEET AUSSIES IN LONDON SHOW DOWN AFTER DOWNING PROTEAS – The final of the Walkabout’s “Get Fuckin’ Pissed” Challenge takes place in London next week.

The Southern hemisphere's best fight it out in London.

World

PATRICIA LOOKS SET TO OBLITERATE LARGE PARTS OF MEXICO – Fat woman from Basildon promises to “smash it up” on her upcoming holiday to Cancun.

US AND RUSSIA IN TALKS OVER SYRIA – Planes from opposing air forces accidentally cross radio waves whilst flying bombing raids over the country.

HILLARY CLINTON GOES FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH IN RUN UP TO PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN – Former first lady is one month into the Insanity workout programme… 

Reaping the benefits of maximum interval training.

ZEITlies UK News Round-Up

Talk Talk hacking problem “smaller than first thought” as no one actually uses Talk Talk – The communications company was delighted to announce that the size of the hacking problem had affected less customers than initially thought, after investigations revealed hardly anyone uses shitty Talk Talk anyway. Company insiders also confirmed that the details of the customers who do still use Talk Talk, are likely to be dirty and undesirable in any event.

George Osborne demands that the nation’s cleaners contribute more to GDP – Looking to defend his widely criticised move to remove tax credits for the lowest earners in the country, Osborne has said he believes that such a move can improve the nation's productivity. Responding to comments that his cuts mostly affect cleaners and street sweepers, Osborne was quick to point out that if the lazy bastards just “cleaned harder and faster, the nation’s debt would be gone in no time”.

Germaine Greer completes journey from revolutionary to “Instrument of the Man” – After her bewilderingly transphobic comments this week in the run up to a university lecture tour she is undertaking, Greer’s actions have confirmed that like everyone with any idealism as a young person, she too has finally become “The Man”. Few thought that a revolutionary feminist could ever represent an establishment viewpoint, but when Greer snorted that transgender people could never be women, her journey to Man-hood was complete.

British Olympic Committee face bakery based bribery allegations – With a nation perennially in the grip of baking fever, the British Olympic Committee is facing allegations that it attempted to bribe the IOC to include baking as an Olympic sport at the next Winter Games. An IOC statement says several delegates received packages from the British committee that included envelopes of money, and perfectly cooked apple turnovers and Victoria sandwiches with Marry Berry’s signature buttercream filling.

Whatevs. You're totes 'The Man' now.