CONFLICTING UNEMPLOYMENT FIGURES CAUSE CELEBRATION AND DEATH IN WESTMINSTER

Conflicting unemployment figures released yesterday – showing a rise in long term unemployment but a fall in overall unemployment – caused confusion across Westminster, with tragic results.

Employment minister Chris Gaping was ecstatic at the news of falling overall unemployment, but seemingly oblivious to the long-term outlook. He was seen revelling raucously in the House of Commons bar, cavorting with Tory temptress Louise Hench. After downing a shot of Sambuca – and with a lit cigarette in hand – Gaping expressed his delight at the latest unemployment figures.

“I’m fucking loving it mate, we’ve cut every public service in half, but because of these shitty Olympics the last government secured – we’re smashing up the unemployment figures!” he said, as he cheekily smacked Ms. Hench’s rear, “I’m not sure what’s going to happen after the Olympics though, my deputy deals with that.”

Gaping’s Deputy Charles Chester had been charged with the task of presenting the long-term prognosis to the cabinet later in the week. Sadly, following publication of the long-term unemployment figures, Chester was found to have hung himself in his office - suspended from the ceiling by his tie and clutching a copy of the figures in his hand. Mr. Chester’s secretary, Susan Frump, expressed her shock at his death and explained how the tragic events unfolded.

“I went in yesterday to give him the long-term unemployment figures,” said Ms. Frump, “I came back a short while later and he had hung himself!”

Ms. Frump stated that she thought it was odd Mr. Chester had hung himself, given how happy Mr. Gaping seemed to be. Ms. Frump then went on to explain that the issuing of figures that provide such conflicting messages was bound to have confusing and sometimes tragic consequences.

“I don’t see why they had to say anything really,” she mused, casually removing Mr. Chester’s belongings from his desk, “now I have to plan a celebration dinner and a funeral.”