GUARDIAN NEWSPAPER TO REPLACE ALL FORMS OF DIALECTIC WITH POINTLESS DIAGRAMS

The Guardian Newspaper’s editor, Alan Rusbridger, has vowed to replace all dialectics and other previously ‘worded’ arguments with pointless, but ‘really cool’ diagrams. His pledge builds on the newspaper’s growing tendency to move away from paid, qualified journalists; and more towards un-paid, uneducated – and in most cases, underage – bloggers and tweeters.

Responding to the criticism that this over-employment of under-qualified (or unqualified) staff results in poor journalism, Rusbridger was defiant:

“One thing we aren’t doing is….errr….dumbing….err….down,” he said, as he finished another round of Angry Birds on his I-Pad with its custom-made denim sleeve.

Speaking at a media seminar given by the Press Association in London, Rusbridger was eager to showcase his new diagrammatic form of journalism.

“Most people sought to explain the banking crisis with references to complicated macro-Economics and the like,” said Rusbridger, high-fiving a black teenager next to the podium, “what we did, was conduct searches over Facebook and other social media platforms for the use of the word ‘banking’. We then plotted on an interactive map where each of the tweeters or posters was from.”

Rusbridger was then subjected to some probative questioning from a disgruntled five-year old who had been forced to attend the conference with his father.

“What’s the point of that diagram though?” said the young boy, a look of haughtiness well-worn on his face.

“There is no point!” replied a confused looking Rusbridger, “It looks cool though. I mean….it looks dope…man”

The Telegraph is rumoured to be investigating allegations that the graphic designers used to create these pointless diagrams - like their journalistic colleagues – are also unpaid. The Guardian declined to comment on this, or on the rumours that Guardian sub-editors are wandering around Shoreditch offering £10 bags of weed to anyone 'who can make things look cool on Photoshop'.