OUTPOURING OF SYMPATHY FOR CHRIS MOYLES AS HIS WILLINGNESS TO BE AN ARSEHOLE IS FINALLY EXPLAINED

There was a widespread outpouring of sympathy at the BBC for out-going Radio 1 breakfast show presenter, Chris Moyles.

Moyles had become renowned for his churlish and cowardly bullying of members of the public and fellow colleagues at the BBC. Since 1997, staff at the Beeb had wondered as to the true genesis of his abrasive and odious personality, with one previous Director General musing: “He’s far too fat and ugly to be that confident.”   

However, the true source of Moyles’ arseholery was dramatically revealed on his last day as Breakfast Show host - following his cruel initiation of succeeding presenter, Nick Grimshaw.

Delirious with happiness from his latest mind-bogglingly inane prank, Moyles was giggling as he entered the bathroom upon conclusion of his radio show.

“He was chuckling to himself like a madman,” said one colleague, “he was like the cat that got the cream….and the cheese, and the cake, and the roast chicken with full trimmings.”

In fact, Mr Moyles was so distracted; he absent-mindedly neglected to use his usual private wide-berth toilet 

cubicle, and lined up next to unsuspecting members of staff at the urinals.

It was then that he unfurled, what one member of staff (who wishes to remain anonymous) stated was: “The smallest penis I have ever seen…and my son has gerbils.”

Radio One Researcher, Andy Anderson explained how the real reason for Moyles’ persistent bullying and pranking had suddenly come to the fore.

“We had always wondered why he was such a c***,” said Anderson, “but now we know he’s hung like a squirrel in the cold, maybe he wasn’t a c***, all along he was just over-compensating for an acorn-sized penis.”

Moyles has been inundated with well-wishes and sympathetic messages from understanding colleagues and fans alike. The society for the protection of men with small penises - Size Doesn’t Matter- has issued a statement in support of Moyles.

“We at Size Doesn’t Matter have long since suspected the possibility that Mr. Moyles should be a member of our society,” a masked and unnamed spokesman said,

“Now he has come out of the small-penis-closet, we would like to extend an invitation to Mr Moyles to join us as a full member, free of charge.”

He closed by saying:  “We urge the public to over-look his obvious physical short comings,” adding, “after all, some things are just too obvious to take the piss out of.”