JESUS ASKS DANNY BOYLE TO DIRECT HIS SECOND COMING

Following his celebrated direction of the London 2012 Opening-Ceremony on Friday, Oscar-winning film director Danny Boyle received plaudits the world over. Top of the list of those congratulating Boyle, was none other than world-renowned Palestinian street magician and son of God, Jesus Christ.

Christ, who is planning his second-coming sometime before the US-presidential elections next year, is said to have been impressed by Boyle’s ability to appeal to a broad demographic with his artistic direction, and also by his unrivalled knack to choreograph large-scale historical inaccuracies set to music.

“It was great the way he selectively read history, and then set it to music,” said Christ, speaking to Zeitlies’ Heaven correspondent, “All that fire and brimstone had a real Old Testament feel to it - my Dad would have loved it.”

Christ is understood to have texted the Pope shortly after the conclusion of the Opening Ceremony; asking him to extend both his congratulations to Boyle and also an invitation to direct his second coming. Christ is also said to have contacted Republican US-presidential candidate Mitt Romney to inform him that (contrary to Mormon thinking) the second coming was not going to happen in the US – pretty much the same way that the first coming didn’t happen there either.

“Jesus is keen to set a few things straight with his second coming,” a Vatican spokesman said, “He intends to silence Mormons the world over by not visiting America.”

The spokesman went on to explain how Jesus was looking to ‘internationalise’ his visit as much as possible – with it being a world event, rather than one hosted by a particular country. Accordingly, Boyle has been instructed to leave-out references to Michael Fish, the NHS, Marmite, Dogging or any other expressly UK-centric themes, in any event that he directs.

It's party time.