THINGS GO FROM BAD TO WORSE FOR GEORGE OSBORNE

The publication of tax-receipt figures by the treasury this week has signalled another body blow for George Osborne’s flagging economic policy. The figures showed a shock unexpected decline in corporate tax revenue, resulting in a need for an upward revision in public-sector net borrowing. The latest depressing revelation - which follows the publication of growth figures indicating a surprising contraction in the nations’ economic fortunes as well as employment figures which pointed to a rise in long-term unemployment – has caused many analysts to wonder, if things can really get any worse for Osborne.

However, as Osborne went into the House of Commons bar last night, thinking he had reached the bottom of the trough with no possibility of things getting any worse – his life hit a new low as he discovered he had sat on some chewing-gum.  

A loud yelp was then heard from the House of Commons Bar, as an an unnamed Bar employee explained.

“It was no surprise to see George come in for his usual pineapple Bicardi Breezer, particularly after the rough time he’s been going through,” the barman said, “When he let out a huge scream, we rushed over to see what was the matter.”

It was then that a sobbing Osborne was discovered clumsily trying to pick off elasticated strings of chewing gum from the seat of his trousers, mumbling to himself that “this was the last bloody straw”.

“He was pretty much inconsolable,” said the barman, “he spent the rest of the evening in a fort he constructed under a table in the bar – poor fella was so upset.”

It has been rumoured that the chewing gum was placed deliberately on the bar seat, as Osborne (being the consummate Conservative) rarely likes to sit anywhere other than his favourite seat. Employees at the House of Commons bar have suggested that this stubbornness and predictability have made him an easy target for mischievous opposition MPs. Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls was spotted outside the Commons Bar laughing hysterically, clutching his stomach to ease the pain of the hilarity he was experiencing.

“I’m not saying it was him,” the barman said, “But if you saw the colour of the chewing gum, and the amount of skanky spit that was all over it, you’d have to say Balls is a prime suspect.”

Osborne despairing - before also discovering he has wiped bird-shit on his forehead.