ROMNEY-RYAN PRESIDENCY PROMISES ‘RIGID HAIRCUTS AND SQUARE JAWS’ IN US PUBLIC LIFE

At the Republican National Convention last week, life-long Mormon, business sadist and surreptitious salsa dancer, Mitt Romney formally accepted the Republican candidacy for this year’s Presidential election. As running mate Paul Ryan stole the show at the Tampa Bay Times Forum amidst a cacophony of whoops, whistles and handgun shots, Republican die-hards were promised a government which would show unflinching support to rigidly coiffured haircuts, and razor-sharp square jaws – even if that meant compromising on other areas of governance – like the consideration, drafting and implementation of actual policy.  

Republican supporters were wowed by Ryan’s movie star looks and impeccably kept hair – all of which proved to be sufficient compensation for Romney’s asparagus-like performance at the Convention on the same day.

“Oh he looked like a dream boat,” said a gushing Bobby-Sue-Raylene-Chester-Mary-Jesus McCafferty, a life-long Republican. “I don’t really know what he said, but oh-my-gosh he was so dreamy!”

It would appear that many in the Tampa Bay Times Forum had no idea what was said by Ryan or Romney – with most suggesting that their faultlessly preened appearances were the ‘takeaway’ messages from the Convention.

“I know some of those Democrats have been saying Ryan, was lyin’!” said another Republican supporter, “but I don’t care! Lying or no lying, policy or no policy, at least he don’t look like a damn ni….”

Neutral observers at last week’s proceedings were understandably disappointed at the lack of policy detail, particularly in light of Ryan’s reputation and assumed role as the Republican policy expert.

I love you Dad. I love you too son.

“Well, it wasn’t enough to say that their policy would be ‘awesome’, we were hoping for more details,” said an NBC reporter. “Still, even we had to say, Ryan and Romney did look quite marvellous.”