CHANCELLOR FORECASTS SIX MORE YEARS OF AUSTERITY AND RENDERS NEXT ELECTION COMPLETELY POINTLESS

At the release of the now-eagerly-anticipated Autumn Statement today in Westminster, the Chancellor outlined a distinctly grim prognosis. His forecast of six more years of austerity was warmly received by the nation’s monks and nuns, but went down like a cup of cold sick with the rest of the country. Such an unremittingly doleful outlook has effectively rendered the next election completely pointless; as whoever is voted into government, it’s clear that things are going to be shit anyway.

Many right-wing commentators are viewing this as a political masterstroke by the Chancellor; suggesting that because the Tories are losing so comprehensively at the polls and in the recent by-election, arguably their only hope of staying in government is to disillusion and disenfranchise the electorate completely, entirely sapping their will to vote.

Right-wing blogger and analyst for the Tory think-tank ‘Cut and Thrust’, Peter Smackworthy, gushed with praise for Osborne.

“He’s smashed a cover drive on a sticky wicket against some frighteningly-quick-bowling,” said Smackworthy, calmly applying lipstick to his face, “If no one cares about the next election, we have a real chance of winning it.”

American political columnist Hamilton Cincinnati-Botaigh was reported by several papers as suggesting that this kind of political manoeuvring is nothing new in the US.

“We have a term for this in the US, it’s a standard econo-electobuster,” he said, thumbing through thousand-page glossary of American political nomenclature. “It’s where the incumbent uses a negative economic outlook to disenfranchise the electorate. It’s a bold move, almost as bold as a nuclear-electobuster.”

The Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls, was quick to point out that a Labour government would offer a viable alternative to Tory austerity.

“The British public are ready for something different, and we can deliver!” said Balls, to a rapturous House of Commons, “No more austerity! Yes we will have to continue with cuts, yes we will have to raise taxes and yes we will have to review the public sector. But austerity? No more!”     

Roaming Britain until 2018 at the earliest...