MICHAEL GOVE ‘ACCIDENTALLY’ DRIVES A TANK DOWN BENEFITS STREET

Twenty-five people were taken seriously wounded following the destruction of twelve houses by tank shells, as Michael Gove - armed with a Challenger tank - went on an ‘accidental’ rampage down the now infamous James Turner Street in Birminhgam. Shortly after the divisive documentary ‘Benefits Street’ was aired on Channel Four, a tank was reported missing from an Army barracks in Birmingham. Twenty-five minutes later, as the street’s residents settled down to their vodka-WD40 nightcaps, all hell broke loose.

The Education Minister was adamant that the attack on the James Turner Street had nothing to do with the documentary, and instead was little more than an accident. He rejected the idea that he had even watched the documentary, “I was simply trying to defend an area I thought was in urgent need!” Gove said, slamming his General Jumbo comic on to the table, “However, some lazy working class people forgot to fix the tank and the bloody thing got away from me. That’s the only reason why the majority of Benefits Street, I mean James Turner Street, was completely obliterated.”

Leaked reports from Gove’s advisors however, paint a very different picture. As the documentary was about to be aired, Gove was said to have gone into his office and shut the door, intending on watching the programme in private. Moments later, a blood-curdling, sperm-killing screech was heard coming from the room.

“I was holding a glass and it smashed everywhere!” said secretary, Hillary Binton, “I loved that glass as well! It had my selfie on it! Stupid Michael Gove, why can’t he shout like everyone else?”

James Turner Street resident, Delicious Bentley, reported that Gove’s tank emerged at the top of the street with the hatch open, and Gove himself was looking out on to the street with his hands on the machine gun, dressed in a Cubs uniform complete with woggle.

“Then he just turned the turret towards the houses and bang! He smashed the place,” said Bentley, who was fortunate enough to have been evicted from her house by the council hours before the attack, “He had a maniac look on his face! I thought he was going to kill us all but it started raining so he went home.”

Channel Four have denied any responsibility for the incident, ignoring continued calls to pull the show that many have dubbed as ‘poverty porn’.

“What can we bloody do about Michael Gove?” said a Channel Four commissioning editor, “Last year he fired an RPG into a council estate because a working glass guy won The Apprentice; and no one is having a go at the BBC are they?”   

Michael Gove describes the sound of a tank to Prime Minister David Cameron.