NIGELLA’S DECISION TO RE-LOCATE TO THE US HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ITS PROXIMITY TO COLUMBIA

Nigella Lawson’s publicist, Henrietta Cheval-Bouche, issued a statement on behalf of the recently disgraced TV chef, explaining in full her recent decision to abandon her home country for a re-launch in the US.

“It’s just about business,” said Cheval-Bouche, after her seventh toilet break in an hour, “We have always wanted to crack the US market and the time for doing it is now. It’s nothing to do with the fact that the US is four thousand miles closer to the world’s largest cocaine producing nation. Nothing at all.”

Cheval-Bouche went on to explain that the frequent shuttle flights that Ms Lawson has made from New York to Bogota were because she was arranging a menu for a Columbian orphanage; and that the itinerary of her up-coming book tour which takes her to Mexico, Bolivia, Columbia, Peru, back to Columbia, then to Peru again, was purely driven by business concerns.

Following the revelations made by Ms Lawson during her time as a witness in the recent Saatchi trial, she has been quick to take flight and re-invent herself across the pond. This move has left many UK fans puzzled, who feel that the domestic goddess is still widely revered in her home country.

“Oh we just love her!” said a Nigella Fan Club member, “I don’t care if she has floated along on the trappings of privilege. Or if she admitted to taking class-A drugs in court and got away with it. Or if she’s a Marie-Antionette wannabe on Twitter. Hang on a minute…”

Channel 4 are among those still pleased as mustard with the chalk-faced, girdle-stretching TV Chef; with her new show set to debut to UK screens this week. “We think that everyone who deserves to be behind bars, also deserves to be on the telly!” said a Channel 4 Commissioning editor, spying on a local brothel, “We’ve got a new show for Rolph Harris coming this year, and a weekly video blog from that one-eyed bloke that killed those Policewomen!”

Introducing the latest panel addition to Channel Four's '8 out of 10 Cats'.