ALEX SALMOND MORE CONFUSED OVER INDEPENDENCE THAN A GAY TEENAGER AT BIBLE CAMP

In the latest installment to what is proving to be the least-well-thought-out independence campaign since the Gurian republic of 1905 (which lasted some three months), Alex Salmond has proven beyond doubt that he is more confused on the issue of Scottish independence than a homosexual teenager listening to ecclesiastical admonishments at Bible camp. Not only has Salmond promised Scots a break from Westminster, giving them the freedom to set fiscal and monetary policy, Salmond conversely has promised Scots that they will keep the pound - or the ‘poond’ as it is known in revolutionary SNP dialect, despite the restrictions on freedom that this would entail. In a further puzzling move, he has also pledged membership of the EU, which would mean another currency, and another external government controlling Scotland’s fiscal and monetary affairs.

IScotland and ‘Yes’ vote campaigners are said to be somewhat disappointed with Salmond’s confused rhetoric over the independence debate. “As far as we can see it, with everything that has been promised by Salmond so far, we will need to have three currencies and three separate governments with over-lapping jurisdictions over Scotland,” said iScotland campaigner Hamish McLeary, “The net result is that we will be much less independent than at any time in our history. I don’t think we wanted that…”

‘No’ campaigners suggest that the confusion over currency and EU membership is simply more evidence of the fact that the SNP are far more concerned with English-bashing, Tory-smearing rhetoric, than with actually forming policies for government.

Salmond however, has remained resolute in the face of rising criticism. Allegations that he was spotted wearing an England football shirt, whilst munching on Belgian chocolate are said to be unfounded.

“What looked like an England shirt, was actually an old Scotland away shirt,” said McLeary, “And what looked like Belgian chocolate, was actually a lump of human shit.”

Salmond unsure who to support in this year's football World Cup.