FARAGE PROMISES TO LEARN THE NAMES OF FIVE EUROPEAN COUNTRIES AHEAD OF THE UPCOMING DEBATE WITH CLEGG

For a man who intends to buy all his policies from whichever back-alley think-tank will flog ‘em to ‘im at the right price; the prospect of an actual debate on policy promises to be the most damningly-exposing political episode since John Prescott’s streaking at the House of Commons. But a resolute and determined Nigel Farage has come out fighting, stating that he will learn the names of “at least five European countries” ahead of the upcoming debate with Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg.

A spokesman for UKIP issued a statement at a press conference – hosted at the strip-club ‘Golden Nuggets’ - on behalf of an absent Farage, who was busy attending the annual UKIP cage-fight at a car-park in Dagenham.

“Mr Farage is determined to smack Mr Clegg’s Westminster-botty from here to Madrid, from where his kraut wife hails,” said UKIP spokesman, Johnny Gaddaffy, “Not only will he learn five names of countries, he will also learn to impersonate an offensive stereotype from each of them. The British public will realise he is our only choice when it comes to dealing with those Europeans, from Brussels to Bagdad!”

Unsurprisingly, Farage’s intentions have ruffled Liberal Democrat feathers:

“Even though Mr Clegg has worked in Brussels with EU institutions and has a far greater understanding of the issues, we are still worried, well, depressed really,” said a Lib-Dem activist, whilst in medieval stocks receiving a face-full of fruit, “We just feel that even though it’s only five names, if Farage shouts them loud enough and nails his impressions, he could still win.”

Both the Conservative and the Labour party have expressed complete ambivalence to the whole situation, with one Home Secretary (who wished to remain anonymous) suggesting that it was “as inconsequential as Stoke v West Brom when Man City v Chelsea is on the other channel”. 

Farage's impression of a Frenchman is yet to be perfected.