WORLD NEWS ROUND-UP

Putin calls Merkel a ‘completely vapid dick-tease’ – The increasingly disgruntled Russian premier is said to be frustrated by the German leader’s frequent displays of racy amounts of ankle and daring amounts of neckline, according to one Kremlin insider. Despite these flashes of Victorian seductiveness, Merkel has persistently refused Putin’s shirtless advances: “Whenever I speak to her, nothing. She has nothing to say,” the bemused President commented, declaring that he has 'almost given-up' trying to seduce her.

Egypt determined to abandon democracy and return to authoritarianism as quickly as possible – As hundreds of liberal activists, opposing politicians and anyone else that looks shifty, are rounded up and thrown into lion-filled dungeons, Egypt looks hell-bent on setting a personal-best in the most-rapid-return-authoritarianism-following-a-revolution stakes. Large clocks have been erected in the once revolutionary Tahrir Square, now displaying a countdown of an estimated return to authoritarianism.   

Sylvio Berlusconi discovered in bed without a naked teenager – The former Italian Prime Minister was immediately rushed to hospital, where he was injected with emergency shots of testosterone, Viagra and Grappa, before being given several medically-approved lap-dances. Despite initial signs of weakness and a reluctance to leer or grope, the Forza Italia leader eventually recovered fully, and by the time he left the hospital he had already gotten a sore hand from slapping women’s bottoms.

Students in North Korea required to wear Kim Jong-Un’s face – Following revelations that the North Korean leader believes his law requiring male students to have his haircut “is nowhere near enough! They all look like kids from Shoreditch!” North Korean students will now be required to wear a replica face mask depicting the leader’s face, to remove all doubt as to whom they are enslaved. Students with slender faces will be force fed until the mask fits properly and students that are too fat for the mask will be shot.

Barack Obama claims he is ‘so over being President’ – The once vaunted figure of hope and freedom is now said to spend many afternoons sitting in the Oval Office shopping online and clock-watching until five-thirty. “He doesn’t even answer his Blackberry anymore, he can’t be bothered,” said one presidential aide. Obama’s complete boredom with being President is said to be one of the main reasons the geo-political showdown in the Crimea fizzled out to a petty playground scuffle of matching sanctions against inconsequential people. “We wanted to press for firmer action,” said a state official, “but he kept yawning and saying he just wanted to be out on time.” 

Obama dreams of life after the presidency.