GOVE OUTLINES PLANS TO OUTLAW LEOPARD PRINT IN THE WORKPLACE

Despite having the popularity of a Mormon at a rave, Michael Gove has made an astonishing political turnaround by proposing a policy that has quickly won support from all sides of the house. After his plans to root-out an ‘Islamic plot’ in Britain’s schools attracted the usual face-in-hand reactions coupled with the inevitable questions surrounding his mental health, Gove hit back with a policy that has everyone behind him: a ban on leopard print in the workplace.

“Research has shown that productivity rates fall by up to forty percent when an employee is seen to be wearing leopard print,” Gove’s aide, Neil Downanhush, said to reporters, “Nearby workers become pre-occupied with talking about Scary Spice from the Spice Girls or with retching into available receptacles. In a global economy where productivity matters, Britain simply can’t afford these distractions”

The cabinet has denied reports that the plans are a thinly disguised attempt at violating the rights of overweight people, refuting claims that a secret report – titled ‘Fatties Love Leopard’ - discovered a unfortunately positive correlation between body-mass index scores and ‘the propensity to wear leopard print’. 

No, no and no. Unfortunately for the lads in reprographics, they're all banned.