· ECB do the world’s bowlers a favour by dropping Kevin Pietersen – The Stalinist management of the England Cricket Team have decided to respond to their recent 5-0 drubbing in the Ashes by dropping their best batsmen. If they fail to register wins on their upcoming tours, the side’s best bowler, Stuart Broad, is also likely to be dropped; and if that doesn’t bring the desired result, batsmen will have their bats taken away and bowlers will have to wear lead-weighted boots.
· Rafael Nadal’s right arm sues left arm for lost earnings – The tennis ace’s much smaller right limb is suing the much more burly left for lost earnings from arm-modelling contracts that have been awarded exclusively to the left. Lawyers for the right arm argue that the left would scarcely be as burly – and thus marketable to arm enthusiasts across the world - were it not for the continuing efforts of the right. Nadal’s right and left pectoral reached a settlement in similar contentious proceedings last year.
|Man United's new Scotland kit|
· Manchester United boss David Moyes denies he is living out his dream in their new away kit – The struggling Premiership manager denies any suggestions that the new kit is a poor approximation of the Scotland kit, stating that all decisions regarding the kit were taken by the manufacturer. Some United insiders however are not convinced, particularly in light of his plans to rename Old Trafford to ‘Old Hampden Park’, and to play ‘Flower of Scotland’ before matches.
· IOC to clamp down on curling-related-violence at Sochi 2014 – Following an outbreak of violence at recent pre-Winter Olympic curling matches, the IOC is keen to ensure such behaviour doesn’t take place at Sochi. A recent tournament in Finland saw viscous fighting breaking out between several of the teams competing. Norwegian curler Gunnar Thensom hurled a stone at his Swedish counterpart Sven Svensson, before chasing him with a broom for twenty minutes. He was eventually hauled away by security staff shouting “Your ass is mine Svensson! Mine!”
|The worrying phenomenon of curling rage.|