Saturday, 24 October 2015

#ZEITbites

Politics
LABOUR’S NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES – Corbyn organises shadow cabinet visit to a local kebab shop…

LIB DEMS LOOK SET TO REGAIN POWER – Electricity finally turned on after three day power-cut at London HQ…

TORIES PLEDGE TO HELP THE YOUNG – …transition smoothly from benefit dependence into adult poverty….

LABOUR PEER SUPPORTS CORBYN – Lord Grabiner managed to catch a fainting Corbyn when he informed him of his resignation…

On his way not to meet the Queen.
Sport
ENGLAND BATSMEN SHOW FIGHT IN UAE – …for approximately twelve minutes, before wilting and folding like a defeated leaf of lettuce.

MOURINHO SHOWS HUMILITY IN DEFEAT TO WEST HAM – …though not before behaving like a bell-end and getting sent off.

KIWIS LOOK TO MEET AUSSIES IN LONDON SHOW DOWN AFTER DOWNING PROTEAS – The final of the Walkabout’s “Get Fuckin’ Pissed” Challenge takes place in London next week.
The Southern hemisphere's best fight it out in London.
World
PATRICIA LOOKS SET TO OBLITERATE LARGE PARTS OF MEXICO – Fat woman from Basildon promises to “smash it up” on her upcoming holiday to Cancun.

US AND RUSSIA IN TALKS OVER SYRIA – Planes from opposing air forces accidentally cross radio waves whilst flying bombing raids over the country.

HILLARY CLINTON GOES FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH IN RUN UP TO PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN – Former first lady is one month into the Insanity workout programme… 

Reaping the benefits of maximum interval training.

ZEITlies UK News Round-Up

Talk Talk hacking problem “smaller than first thought” as no one actually uses Talk Talk – The communications company was delighted to announce that the size of the hacking problem had affected less customers than initially thought, after investigations revealed hardly anyone uses shitty Talk Talk anyway. Company insiders also confirmed that the details of the customers who do still use Talk Talk, are likely to be dirty and undesirable in any event.

George Osborne demands that the nation’s cleaners contribute more to GDP – Looking to defend his widely criticised move to remove tax credits for the lowest earners in the country, Osborne has said he believes that such a move can improve the nation's productivity. Responding to comments that his cuts mostly affect cleaners and street sweepers, Osborne was quick to point out that if the lazy bastards just “cleaned harder and faster, the nation’s debt would be gone in no time”.

Germaine Greer completes journey from revolutionary to “Instrument of the Man” – After her bewilderingly transphobic comments this week in the run up to a university lecture tour she is undertaking, Greer’s actions have confirmed that like everyone with any idealism as a young person, she too has finally become “The Man”. Few thought that a revolutionary feminist could ever represent an establishment viewpoint, but when Greer snorted that transgender people could never be women, her journey to Man-hood was complete.

British Olympic Committee face bakery based bribery allegations – With a nation perennially in the grip of baking fever, the British Olympic Committee is facing allegations that it attempted to bribe the IOC to include baking as an Olympic sport at the next Winter Games. An IOC statement says several delegates received packages from the British committee that included envelopes of money, and perfectly cooked apple turnovers and Victoria sandwiches with Marry Berry’s signature buttercream filling.

Whatevs. You're totes 'The Man' now.

METEOROLOGISTS DEMAND ‘SCARIER NAMES’ FOR HURRICANES IN ORDER TO SUFFICIENTLY WARN PUBLIC

As hurricane season swirls its way into the Caribbean and the Western seaboard of Mexico, meteorologists are demanding that hurricanes are given scarier names in order to sufficiently warn the public of the terror they actually bring.

“Right now we got Patricia,” said Fox News weatherman, Chet Thunder, “Who the heck is scared of anyone or anything called Patricia. You can’t expect the public to take that seriously. I mean look what happened with Katrina? You name a storm after a figure skater and no one gives a shit!”

A concerned group of weathermen and women have gathered across social media to collate a list of hurricane names they felt would be of a sufficiently threatening nature such that the public would likely take them seriously. This list includes, names like “Vladimir”, “Adolf”, “Ivan” and “Darth Vader”, though the name hurricane “Robin Thicke” was excluded from the list, with many feeling such a name would only be threatening to women who enjoyed consensual sex.

“Just imagine the impact it would have on the news if the anchor was yelling Adolf is coming!” said Thunder, “It’s exactly the kind of weather communication we need at Fox News.”

It doesn't even look like a 'Patricia'. 


Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

FIVE TEST CRICKET CAREERS THAT WERE ANNOYINGLY CUT SHORT…

1.       Donald Bradman
The Don, the Big Man, Bradders (ok I made that nickname up, but it sounds good), is a cricketer that needs no introduction, but “bloke with nearly a hundred average” isn’t a bad place to start. Widely regarded as the greatest batsmen to play the game, he has an average that is the benchmark for all modern cricketers. But thanks to a lack of matches and a bloody world war, the little man from Cootamundra only played 52 tests. This is a fact that will constantly blight the Don’s otherwise astonishing batting average, but in a way which is utterly beyond his control!

2.       Vinod Kambli
It’s quite possible that many young cricket fans today won’t even know Vinod Kambli, but when he burst on to the scene against England in 1993, many were sure he was the next big thing. He was the other bloke who got more runs than Tendulkar in “that partnership” from school cricket, and in his third test match, he notched up a double hundred. He managed to repeat the feart in the very next game, but just thirteen matches later and Kambli’s test career was over in amidst a miasma of indiscipline and misapplication, leaving many Indian fans wondering what could have been…

3.       Marcus Trescothick
Ok, Trescothick played 76 test matches and ended up with a respectable average of over 43. But following a series of mental health issues and supposed marital problems (everyone knows the story about his wife…), the wonderfully explosive left-hander was forced into an early retirement from international cricket,  prematurely depriving the world of one of England’s most attractive batsman to watch in recent times.

4.       Greame Pollock
There are a number of Proteas players whose careers were truncated by the sporting boycott of apartheid South Africa, but Greame Pollock is arguably the greatest. He played the last of his 28 test matches against Australia in 1970, in a series that handed the Aussies their heaviest ever defeat. Pollock notched up a masterful 270 at Kingsmead, partnered by an equally explosive Barry Richards. The Proteas whitewashed the Aussies in the last series they would play in for over twenty years, and Pollock was reduced to playing county cricket - and the occasional rebel tour - for the rest of his career.

5.       Mohammed Amir
Even after the ban expires he’s still got years left in those legs, but boy was he plucked from the scene at his absolute prime. Part of the reason why the match fixing allegations in 2010 were so shocking, is that they concerned a young cricketer whose talent and ability had enthralled the cricket world. Here was an 18 year old kid who was swinging the ball with Wasim Akramian precision at ninety miles an hour, and he was only going to get better. Five years later and he is still to play another game…

6.       Jonathan Trott
Only kidding.

His career was too long, As was every one of his innings.

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

“SHOULDN’T YOU AT LEAST CLEAN THAT BIBLE?” SAYS BEWILDERED CHILD TO PRIEST

Priests in the UK are 4 times more likely to molest children than they are to impart any amount of theological instruction to anyone, a recent report commissioned by the Daily Sport has found. The report surveyed a thousand people who attended Church as children, with only 10% of respondents admitting to ever having learned anything theological from their priest. However, a staggering 40% of respondents did admit to having being molested by their priest, with 5% of respondents answering that they though molestation was part of communion.

The Church of England was quick to respond to the report, immediately issuing a statement:

“We are thoroughly encouraged by the report, which said that only 40% of children were molested by their priest. This is a significant fall on the 90% figure that emerged from the last report of this kind.”

The Catholic Archdiocese quickly followed suit, with Cardinal Sins stating unequivocally:

“I couldn’t give a shit.”

Children’s rights groups were quick to denounce the Church for the findings of the report, with some suggesting an Operation Yewtree style operation should be undertaken to uncover possible instances of historic abuse. A spokesman from the Department of Justice said “We literally don’t have enough courts in England and Wales to cope with that kind of caseload.”

Children’s charity Chairperson, Barah Gopardifofree spoke to press from her donor funded rooftop swimming pool:

“We at the Children’s charity have fought for many victims of abuse,” said Gopardifofree whilst sipping a glass of vintage champagne, “I hired my daughter to look into this, and after three years of working 2 hours a week, she helped 2 kids obtain free counselling on the NHS. It was definitely worth paying her the 100k salary…”

"Fetch that pew cushion little boy..."

Sunday, 16 August 2015

NOVAK DJOKOVIC LEFT DIZZY AFTER SMELLING A ‘VIRULENT FART’ ON COURT

World No. 1 and current Wimbledon champion, Novak Djokovic, was forced to stop his second round clash at the Rogers Cup in Montreal after catching a face-full of someone’s fart. Djokovic was visibly in discomfort and claimed he felt dizzy after catching a malevolent whiff of fart that had drifted on to Court No. 1.

“Can you smell that? It smells like boiled cabbage?” a teary eyed Djokovic complained to the line judge, “Somebody is farting, right here. It's unbelievable. It smells so bad I can’t concentrate.”

Djokovic’s opponent denied reports that he was seen eating a curry the night before, and offered to undergo testing to show he hadn’t farted at the time Djokovic broke down. The World No. 1 quickly recovered to win the match in straight sets, but rushed into his dressing room immediately upon the match’s conclusion to check if his eye brows had been singed.

In the press conference after the match, the Wimbledon Champion was more relaxed about the incident, but warned that controls need to be tightened to ensure such a thing didn’t happen again.


“They can’t expect us to play world class tennis when you are smelling farts and god knows what else,” said Djokovic, placing a needle into the kneecap of his Andy Murray doll, “I mean they got to stop all smells really, all sounds too. In fact, it’s about time that they just stopped letting people watch the games.” 

Djokovic is said to have seen his life flash before his eyes.

Saturday, 15 August 2015

MAN SMOKING CIGARETTE ON STATION PLATFORM BRANDED "THE BIGGEST REBEL OF ALL TIME"

A man who regularly lights up a morning cigarette on the platform of Devons Road DLR station has been branded "the biggest rebel of all time". The man’s brazen disregard for the nation's smoking laws is said to be the most strident example of anti-establishmentarianism since the time Jeremy Corbyn mooned Michael Heseltine in Westminster Hall.

“He just doesn’t care,” said fellow commuter, Janet Fuxley, “Most of us though he was vaping, and it’s an open platform so who cares. But when we realised he was actually smoking , we all thought, woah, this guy is a fucking rebel.”

The man is said to be an office worker at a bank or law firm in Canary Wharf. It is unclear what has made this otherwise functioning member of society become such a dangerous outlaw, but local law enforcement has already issued posters offering a reward for information about him.

“I know that it’s wrong to do it, but oh my god,” continued a dough eyed Fuxley, “I love a rebel! He’s like James Dean or Brian Harvey from East-17. Enigmatic and irresistible.”  

An artist's rendition of the smoking man of Devons Road.

VIRGINIA POLICE OFFICER ACCIDENTALLY FAILS TO KILL BLACK PERSON WHEN SHOOTING HIM

A Virginia police officer inadvertently failed to kill an unarmed black civilian, when shooting him for a minor misdemeanour in Richmond last night. Officer Ray Sissed was reported to have shot unarmed black teenager, Demarkevius LaShawn Jackson-Thomas, following an altercation outside of a convenience store on the outskirts of Richmond.

“I saw the suspect leave the store with what looked like a can of soda in his hands,” said Officer Sissed, squirting a wad of soggy wad of tobacco from his mouth into a nearby spittoon, “I of course assumed that he stole that can of soda at gunpoint so I proceeded to try and apprehend the suspect. When he failed to respond to my whispered calls of ‘stop’, I pulled out my gun and started shooting.”

Sissed explained that inexplicably, he ignored all his previous training on how to shoot an unarmed black civilian, and shot LaShawn Jackson-Thomas in the leg thereby rendering him immobile and no longer a threat. When Sissed realised what he had done, he was said to have been inconsolable.

“When I realised I didn’t put six bullets in the back of his head for a crime he may or may not have committed, I knew it was time for me to take a break from policing,” said a tearful Sissed, “I just want to be able to protect and serve the right way. The American way.”

Richmond police officers await a black teenager alleged to have used the 'F word'.
RECORD RISE IN CITY BREAK BOOKINGS FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF ANOTHER TUBE STRIKE

Travel agents across London have experienced an unprecedented rise in bookings for city breaks following the announcement of another tube strike due to take place this week. Travel agents believe the rise represents a growing trend amongst Londoners to use the increasing number of strike days to have a long weekend or a short break away.

“It’s basically like having another bank holiday,” said Thomas Cook spokesman, Tom Cook, “ Most people will no doubt be informing their employers that they will be working from home on the strike day, but really, it’s likely they will be taking advantage of some of our fabulous getaway offers.”

London office worker, Sharon Farronbarron, said that the strike was the perfect opportunity for office workers across the capital to cool their heels for a day, whilst also being able to exhibit disingenuous indignation at the actions of the unions.

“It’s great,” said Farron, browsing through Groupon offers to use on the day of the strike, “I get to treat myself AND I get to act all high and mighty by calling those union workers a bunch of lazy, overpaid bastards trying to ruin the lives of hard working people like me…. Ooh, look, half price spa day!”

The sign at Waterloo Underground Station manages to hypnotise hundreds of commuters.

VETERANS CELEBRATE THE USE OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS BY REMEMBERING VJ DAY

Literally pairs of veterans gathered to remember VJ day at events around the country, staged to commemorate the destruction of Japanese cities by the deployment of nuclear weapons, and Japan’s eventual surrender in World War 2. Seventy years ago, the day also marked the release of thousands of British POWs, held in Japanese prison camps.

“It’s a bloody disgrace how they treated the POWs,” said former Royal Navy officer, Barney O’Mahoney, “I mean sure, we dropped a nuke on them and slaughtered thousands of civilians, but seriously, it’s about time they apologised.”

The Tory government echoed this sentiment, issuing a statement saying that Japan should still feel remorse for the disgraceful way it treated its POWs. The Japanese Ambassador in London is said to have responded by delivering a book titled “British Colonial History” and a list of countries waiting for apologies to the Foreign Office.

“We can’t forget the bravery of Britain and her allies in their bitter struggle to bring the  Japanese conflict to a close,” said defence spokesman Lance Kinderfrau, “It took courage to drop those A-bombs, and we remember that every VJ day.”

Sticking it to the Japs.

Monday, 6 July 2015

FEARS OF CLAIRE BALDING’S IMMINENT WORLD DOMINATION GRADUALLY SUBSIDE

The world has breathed a sigh of relief at news that Wimbledon2day, the latest show in the endless run of BBC produced Claire Balding-a-thons, is to be axed and replaced by the eminently more popular and palatable “steaming pile of shit in front of a brick wall.” The BBC is said to have received more complaints about the highlight show than the time the British National Party were allowed to host CeeBeebies, with Wimbledon2day producer, Emmenthal Untersachel, calling the show’s response “a furious, unrelenting torrent of completely rational hatred.”

After her perceived success at presenting the London 2012 Olympics, Claire Balding saw a meteoric rise in visibility, branching out beyond just sport into programmes like Comic Relief, the National Lottery, Eastenders and even the weather. On one day in May 2014, Claire Balding was said to have presented for 89% of the time broadcast on BBC 1 during a 24 hour period. With the revamped Wimbledon highlights show added to her roster, many felt that Claire Balding’s world domination was inevitable.

“I’d already heard that she was recording all the Sat Nav voices for Tom Tom and Garmin, the in-flight safety messages on BA, Emirates and Virgin. My daughter is even taking a GCSE in Claire Balding next year,” said long-time Wimbledon fan, Stanley Gutthare, “I thought it wouldn’t be long before everywhere you looked you’d see her trademark brand of awkward toffishness and shit haircuts. When the show was axed I’m not ashamed to say I cried with joy. I held my daughter and we just cried and cried. We were so happy.” 

Balding decides to coin another hashtag.

SITUATION IN GREECE IS MORE FUCKED-UP THAN A PUPPYDOG MASSACRE

With tragedy, farce, lies, delusion, masochism and sheer folly, the situation in Greece has all the ingredients of a complete fuck pie. Whether Greece stays in the Euro but has to sacrifice ninety percent of its economy to do so, or whether it leaves the Euro in an orgy of self-harm and sacrifices ninety percent of its economy in the process, there are no winners in what is widely being touted as the most fucked-up situation in recent memory.

“We have a situation where, if justice is done, Greece will be decimated,” said Shitibank analyst, Ima Jerkov, “However we also have a situation where, if justice isn’t done, Greece will be decimated. It’s totes fucked-up.”

The views of the public across the EU appear to reflect this total fuckfest of a predicament. In a recent poll commissioned by Angela Merkel’s advisors, Rowswivkranks and Buildemfirm, 85% of Europeans felt “Greece should be helped in its hour of need”. However, 90% of the same Europeans also felt “Greece could fuck off if it thinks I’m going to pay for it.”

In Westminster, Tory Treasury spokesman, Nigel Crotchwisker, said there was no obvious solution to Greece’s predicament:

“This shows the weakness of the European project as there is no way of resolving Greece’s inability to pay its debts to its European partners,” said Crotchwisker, whilst browsing online for holiday villas in Crete, “I mean sure, we could give them money, but come on, would you want to give someone money who retired when they were 35?"
More fucked-up than this guy's face.



Sunday, 31 May 2015

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

4 THINGS ABOUT CRICKET THIS WEEK THAT MAKE YOU FEEL A BIT SAD 

1.       New Zealand are probably better at ODIs than they are at Tests – Following a rip-roaring effort in the world cup and some strong performances in their recent home test series, hopes were high for the ever-confident Kiwis as they headed to England for a two test ‘series’. Such hopes seemed to be well founded when on day one of the first test match at Lord’s, New Zealand’s bowlers had the hosts at 30-4. However, they soon found a way to carve out a losing position and thanks to some mercurial batting by Ben Stokes, the match was lost. Now the second test is evenly poised, and New Zealand may be heading home winless after promising so much before the start of the series…

2.       Pakistan might have trouble attracting more visitors – The cricketing world rejoiced with the return of international cricket in Pakistan, with the mighty Zimbabwe agreeing to play in the first international matches since the attack on the Sri Lankan players in 2009. The series comprised of a few ODIs and after the first two matches all seemed to be well. What was all the paranoia about? Why can’t people just chill-out yeah? Then there was a suicide bombing in Lahore. Oh dear. The series will continue but you fancy that this probably wasn’t the cricketing tourist-ad the PCB was hoping for…

3.       We won’t see Shiv Chanderpaul again – He’s finally been dropped. After four hundred and seven years in the West Indian batting line-up, front-facing, war-paint wearing run-machine Shiv Chanderpaul has finally been dropped from the Windies squad after a long run of poor form. Old friend Brian Lara spoke out at what he thought was ill-treatment of his pal, but the master batsman’s protestations fell on deaf ears as Shiv was told to put the war paint away for good.

4.       Graham Gooch is no longer England’s highest Test run scorer – Well done to Alistair Cook for breaking Gooch’s record but one feels that now he is no longer the record holder, who will remember the Great Graham Gooch? Masterful player of spin, scorer of the highest test score by an Englishman, a reformer and professional as captain; owner of one of the finest moustaches in modern test cricket. Though he was one of the finest English batsman and captains of his generation, his legacy and his runs have long been forgotten by kids of today, who know the Ashes 2005 team and little else. At least when he was the top dog, you had to respect Goochie. Now, who will?

Graham Gooch was delighted for Alistair Cook.

Saturday, 30 May 2015

PRINCE WILLIAM THREATENS TO SEND AN ARMY TO SWITZERLAND IF FIFA DOESN’T CLEAN UP ITS ACT

Seemingly forgetting the constitutional limitations to his power, Prince William – riding a horse and dressed in full 16th century armour - issued a stern warning to disgraced football fixers FIFA: clean up your act, or I’m sending in the cavalry.

Surprisingly, the Prince’s glaringly empty threats have been met with huge support the world over (rather than the giggling disdain which they deserve) with many footballers voicing their approval on various forms of social media. Former England striker and Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker tweeted “it was about time someone gave FIFA the charge!”, with former QPR defender and French speaker Joey Barton also tweeting “I hope FIFA gets its fucking cunt-face smashed in.”

The newly elected Tory government are said to be quietly concerned at the Prince's sudden display of feudal bullishness, given the diplomatic problems that this could entail, but are also said to be stunned with admiration that the glorious heir to the throne is flexing his divine muscles.

“Clearly it can create problems if the Prince starts making unilateral declarations,” said Foreign Secretary Phillip Hammond, “But at the same time, to see one of our Royals stand up to those brutes fills my heart with pride…”

FIFA are yet to respond to the Prince’s threats, though some have speculated that in the event of any cavalry charge by the Duke of Cambridge, Russian president Vladimir Putin is likely to provide full nuclear support to FIFA. Sepp Blatter is believed to have said he doesn’t care if everyone in Switzerland is exterminated, he will not stop being corrupt until the day he dies.

Ohhh shit, now he's pissed....


Friday, 29 May 2015

TORIES BAN EVERY SINGLE SUBSTANCE AVAILABLE TO MANKIND APART FROM TOBACCO, ALCOHOL AND CAFFEINE

In an attempt to crack down on so-called ‘legal highs’, the Tories have imposed a blanket ban on all ‘psychoactive substances’ except the psychoactive substances that Tories actually use and enjoy. The Psychoactive Substance Act will ban all chemicals and substances with psychoactive properties, with exceptions for alcohol, tobacco and caffeine, as all are categorised as food or medicinal products. 

There are also other exceptions for other Tory psychoactive favourites, including mouldy Gentleman’s Relish and the odd pop of nose-candy.

“Every week two more ‘legal highs’ are discovered somewhere in Europe at one of those blasted hippy-do raves,” said government drugs spokesman, Nev Agotlean, “It’s about time someone put a stop to all of those stinky, probably Labour, hippies spinning out on weird crap we don’t understand. 
They are only allowed to spin out on stuff that we like – like brandy shots in the eye and the odd cigarillo!”

Some head-shop owners are intensely scrutinising the new Act looking for loopholes that may allow them to continue selling their now illegal ‘legal highs’.

“We’ve already started doing popper sandwiches and a salvia casserole,” said head-shop owner, AG Hippitoff, “We are thinking about offering nitrous oxide therapy, as a way of utilising its medicinal potential, but we’re not sure about it yet man.”

The Psychoactive Act has prescribed strict penalties for those caught in possession of any substance it regards as prohibited. The potential of a seven year custodial sentence means possession of a ‘legal high’ may now be worse than possession of an illegal drug, which most believe will confuse Police and give them just another reason to harass ethnic minorities.

Crap looking packaging is sadly still legal.

CORRUPT ORGANISATION RE-ELECTS CORRUPT LEADER WHO IS SET TO DEFEND ALLEGATIONS OF CORRUPTION

In the latest electoral disaster that has brought into question the very point of voting, scandal-ridden corruption-fest FIFA has bizarrely decided to re-elect President Sepp Blatter, in a move that some observers have described as “akin to grievous self-harm”.  Naturally, there are allegations of corruption in the election, which took place against a background of corruption allegations, against an organisation that many believe is corrupt and is headed by a man that even his mother thought was corrupt.

Blatter was understandably delighted at this latest display of his Stalinist grip on power, declaring to a rapturous crowd in Geneva: “I am your God!”

The US Department of Justice is said to be less than pleased with the result, with one unnamed investigator saying that US Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, was heard screaming “What the fuck?!” when she was told the result.

“She just couldn’t believe it,” said the DOJ spokesman, “I mean he used corruption to get re-elected so he can defend allegations of corruption. He’s basically telling us to fuck ourselves.”

FA representative, Greg Dyke, was disappointed at the result, which he believes was a missed opportunity to reform the rotten organisation.

“I mean, with all them African countries in there we was never gonna win was we?” said Dyke, blithely munching on a Ginster’s pasty, “I mean what’s the bloody point of an election if everyone gets a vote? You end up with some cu…”

Blatter models himself on another of history's most amoral leaders.

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

THE ZEITlies GUIDE TO GENERAL ELECTION SEX….

The 2015 General Election takes place in two days and all polls are predicting a Parliament that will be more hung than Linford Christie. But the reality is, it doesn’t matter who you vote for – you’re getting fucked every which way. In the spirit of accepting this basic principle, ZEITlies explores exactly how the various political parties would go about fucking you…

Conservative
The Tories will fuck you hard and fast and they don’t care about the pain. They are here to do a job and that job is fucking - they will take no prisoners along the way. There are some exceptions however. If you’re rich, expect satin sheets and scented body oils, maybe even a harpist in the room to set the mood. But if you’re poor, boy, are you getting fucked! The Tories pull out the big dongs for that, making sure the poor get screwed harder than anyone else.
The annoying face of Tory sex.
Labour
The Tories may screw the poor like animals but Labour are arguably worse. Labour like to tease you, promising you impossible things: fifty orgasms, erections for a week, unlimited stamina and incomparable creativity. But the reality is, Labour will give you nothing. Instead, with their deeply held fetish for debt: Labour are here to fuck your kids. They are kiddie-fuckers.

Liberal Democrats
The Lib Dems will try and do things by the book. Exactly the right amount of foreplay, exactly the right amount of force and tenderness, exactly the right number of positions – Lib Dem sex will go to a plan. However, afterwards, rather inexplicably, you’ll realise you just don’t fancy them…

UKIP
Sex with UKIP is mean and nasty. Whips, chains, ball gags, handcuffs, burning crosses on your front lawn – the whole nine yards. UKIP don’t care who they hurt, they just love being cunts. Expect punches in the face and dripping candle wax on your nether regions – all to the incessant blaring of Land of Hope and Glory.

Green Party
Ever had a dry hump? Ever had someone rub themselves up against you either because you were in a place where actual sex was risky, or because you were fifteen? Well sex with the Green Party would be much worse than that and way less penetrative. They couldn’t fuck you even if they tried.

Better than Green Party sex.

Monday, 4 May 2015

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

9 THINGS ABOUT TEST CRICKET IN 2015 THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM…

1.       West Indies have a bowling attack again
Ok sure, it might not be Holding, Roberts, Marshall and Garner, but the current West Indies bowling line-up looks to have more promise than in recent times. The veteran Jerome Taylor has always been capable of match winning performances; and backed up by the burly speedster Shannon Gabriel, and the lanky fast-medium pacer Jason Holder, the trio form an impressive seam battery. The Windies do lack an obvious first choice spinner, but Benn, Permaul and even Narine (?) offer interesting options.

Gabriel watches an England batsman leave the crease for the last time.
2.       New Zealand might have their best test side ever
The World Cup showcased New Zealand’s limited overs talents to the wider world, but they have been making quiet progress over the last twelve months. The impressive home series win in 2014 against a beleaguered India side showed exactly what the Kiwis could do, with Captain McCullum hitting a typically belligerent treble-hundred. They head to England next week for the start of a two test series and they will be feeling confident. They comprehensively humiliated England in the World Cup and with the English stuttering to a drawn series with the West Indies in their last outing, the Kiwis will be looking to take advantage. A good run out would seem them rise to their highest test ranking ever.

3.       Loads of Ashes series have made the Aussies the best side in the World
Once upon a time there used to be a marquee test series fought between two cricketing behemoths. Every few years one would come around and there would be so much anticipation, by the time the first ball was bowled, the cricketing world was literally shredded with excitement. Now however, Ashes series happen once every two months, so no one really cares when Australia beat England again. In being presented with yet another opportunity to do so, the Aussies may score the points needed to topple South Africa as number one test side in the World. Whoop di doo.

Steve Smith offers his thanks to the ECB.
4.       Seriously, Ashes again though…..?
By the time this summer’s Ashes series is concluded, Australia and England will have played each other in 15 tests in two years. This is more than three times more frequently than they have ever played each other in tests since the late 70s. The England-Australia has become, wait for it, a more frequent date in the international test calendar than India-Sri Lanka! In fact, no other test teams have met each other more frequently than the English and the Aussies over the last two years.

England learn that they have a test series against someone other than Australia,
5.       India could be on the rise
After an absolutely miserable twelve months under MS Dhoni, India’s test team, under new captain Virat Kohli could be in for a slightly more pleasurable ride. Back to back home series against Sri Lanka and South Africa could see them secure their first test win in nine outings climb their way out of seventh spot in the test rankings. Also a strong performance in the world cup, on the back of some promising signs in the test series against Australia has given the young side a measure of deserved confidence.

Hoping for a bit less of this in 2015.
6.       Should someone do something about the Kookaburra ball….?
In the first test of the series between Bangladesh and Pakistan recently, the hosts responded to a Pakistan first innings lead of just-under three hundred by posting a second innings total of 555 for 6. The match was drawn and the innings scores read: 332, 628 and 555. In the final innings on the fifth day, Bangladesh managed to pass 300 without losing their first wicket, all against quality bowling like Junaid Khan, Wahab Riaz and Mohammed Hafeez. This match used the Kookaburra ball, as games between these sides tend to. Conversely, in the final test of the West Indies- England series, 18 wickets fell on the second day. Now sure, the pitches were different and the teams were different, but the ball was different too. The Dukes ball used by England and the West Indies gives the bowlers much more to work with, as the recent low-scoring test showed. In an age where batsmen have so much advantage, would it be the worst thing in the world to make all teams use a ball that gave bowlers just a tinie tiny bit….?

The seam bowler's dream...
7.       Four day tests?
In some respects, the recent proposal of a four day test as made by the ECB seemed little more than the latest display of their obsession with fours, having also proposed a 40 over world cup. But, the more you consider the proposition the more appealing it appears to be. It will reduce the pressure on groundsmen prepare pitches that will hold together for five days, hopefully reducing the need to make lifeless batting roads for the first few days. It will also make it easier for the crucial sessions of a test match to be decided in front of large crowds, rather than Monday finishes played out in front of a few ground staff and job seeker’s allowance claimants. Not something we’ll see this year, but in future, who knows…

8.       Bangladesh need to win a test match
The recent draw against Pakistan showed that the Bangladeshi batting had a great deal more resilience than line-ups in the past, but many still expect much more of a nation that has now had fifteen years of test cricket under its belt, particularly with associate nations like Ireland, Scotland and Afghanistan clambering for test acceptance. Though they have registered a series win recently against Zimbabwe, fans are desperate for a ‘big’ win. Bangladesh has one further test against Pakistan, before two back to back home series against India and South Africa. Though the opposition will be 
tough, this year presents their best opportunity to register a big head-turning win in years.

9.       Impact players from the IPL go on to become test captain…
It was meant to be nothing more than a gawdy hit and giggle in front of deliriously misinformed people, which would never last more than a season. Eight years on and it’s turned into a serious competition, fought for tooth and nail by the world’s best. Unsurprisingly, it has become a global stage for showcasing new talent from across the world. Not just T20 talent, but actual cricketing talent. The proof is in the number of IPL impact players who have gone on to become test heavyweights; players who when they began their IPL careers were considered little more than bashers. Eight years on, people’s opinions of players like AB de Villiers, Angelo Matthews, Virat Kohli and Brendon McCullum are very different to what they were when these big hitters were snapped up by IPL franchises.

Not looking to defend the ball to mid-off.

Saturday, 2 May 2015

FLOYD MAYWEATHER PROMISES TO GIVE THREE DOLLARS TO CHARITY FOLLOWING PACQUIAO FIGHT

In what members of his entourage are calling “an unprecedented charitable donation”, Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather has promised to give three dollars of his $180 million fee for fighting Manny Pacquiao to a worthy charity.

“I might like to wash my balls in Cristal, wipe my ass using fifty dollar bills and use Faberge eggs as rocks to throw at people I find ugly, but I still like to give back,” said Mayweather at a press conference, hosted on a platform made of imported Amazonian human, “That’s why I’m donating three dollars to the Floyd Mayweather foundation, which advances the cause of children named Floyd or Mayweather.”

Mayweather refused to comment on his opponent’s $40 million donation of his fight fee to charity, instead directing journalists attention to the diamond encrusted tooth pick that he was about to throw down a nearby toilet.

The majority of the revenue is set to come from millions of pay-per-view subscribers in the USA and internationally. Professor Loball of the University of Chicago has calculated that given the primary demographic of subscribers, the pay-per-view fee is effectively the most regressive taxation in history.

Mayweather emails Oxfam telling them to fuck off.

ROYAL BABY COULD BE OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE BY THE TIME THE NEXT GOVERNMENT IS FORMED

With political paralysis seemingly the most likely outcome of next week’s General Election, some analysts are predicting that the Princess of Cambridge may actually be old enough to vote by the time the next government is formed. Neither the Conservatives nor Labour look set to claim an overall majority, confirming fears that both parties are merely opposing cheeks of the same political arse, inevitably creating an electoral result resembling a spattering of faecal matter.

“It’s going to be very messy,” said amateur pollster, Roger Megood, “Worse than the time Ed Miliband was let loose on bowl of spaghetti and meat balls. It may well be that we just abolish the political parties and get everyone to vote independently for every piece of legislation that gets passed. It’ll be a ball ache but have you got a better idea?”

Ed Miliband, despite repeated pleas from Nicola Sturgeon to consider otherwise, continues to rule out the possibility of a coalition with the SNP,  stating that he still felt Labour would get the majority they needed. The moment the statement was made, Ladbrookes slashed the odds on a Lab-SNP coalition to 5-4.

Tories have been quick to let voters know that any delays or uncertainty in forming a new government will be punished by the markets.

“The best way to recovery is to vote in another Tory government with a stable majority. That’s the result the market wants,” said Tory activist, Willoghby Tittleframper, “Then and only then can we continue with our policy of aggressively cutting the deficit and making Britain the most unequal society in the developed world.” 

Likely to be a daily occurrence in the next Parliament.

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

MOTHS FINALLY ADMIT THE TRUTH: WE DON’T LIKE THE TASTE OF YOUR CLOTHES, WE JUST LIKE PISSING YOU OFF

In a stunning revelation at a press conference held in front of a linen cupboard today, moths finally admitted what humans had long suspected: they don’t even like the taste of our clothes, they’re just doing it to piss us off. Furthermore, moths admitted that on most occasions when they gnaw a whole in your favourite cashmere jumper, they don’t eat the wool they simply spit it out, the damage already having been done.

“It’s basically the longest running joke ever,” said moth spokesperson, Moth Mothmoth, “Most of us started doing it back in the 1970s, when people started to wear flimsy sweaters. That’s when a well-placed hole can be quite hilarious.”

As moths’ statement reverberated throughout the human world, a torrent of anti-moth feeling surged on all forms of social media. Twitter erupted with violent and unashamed moth-abuse, and anti-mothism:

“@Sexxxxibabbbeee: Dem moffs can fuck off! The only hols I want in me top is where I put mi hed!”

“@HOtttguyy100: If I see a moth I’m gonna punch its face-in”

Shares in moth-killing product manufacturers rocketed, with Raid announcing they would be building factories to manufacture moth-killer immediately. It is widely understood that they have also applied to the UN to have the definition of genocide amended to exclude the widespread extermination of cheeky fucking moths.

Laughing their asses off.

ELECTION ROUND-UP

Tony Blair does Tory party huge favour by pledging full support for Miliband – Labour supporters were left stunned and horrified today, when former Prime Minister and Labour prodigal son turned satanic-bastard-child, Tony Blair, pledged his full support for Prime Ministerial hopeful Ed Miliband. Some Labour activists are predicting a bigger slump in Labour’s opinion poll ratings than when the National Union of Pedophile Racists pledged their support to Neil Kinnock in 1983. Conservative insiders are said to be rejoicing at their Millbank HQ, with one activist saying “this is better than the hundred thousand-quid ad with Penelope Keith that we had planned”.

Green party members admit, Natalie Bennett can’t make a sandwich without fucking it up – After another car crash radio interview where embattled Green party Leader Natalie Bennett forgot policies, principles, English and basic numeracy, many Green party supporters were left ruing their choice of leader. Brighton based Green party blogger, Ringo Peeso, admitted on his blog that he had rarely seen Bennett make a sandwich without fucking it up: “…with my very own eyes I saw her smear organic corn-fed cow butter all over my reclaimed railway wood work top, and when she cut the linseed bread sandwich in half, the one bit was way bigger than the other…”

Labour target British jihadists fleeing to join ISIS – The Labour party are pushing for greater postal vote participation in the territories controlled by ISIS, in an attempt to capture the votes of British jihadists that have travelled over to join the fighting. “We know that British jihadist generally vote Labour, which is why we are making such a firm push in ISIS,” said Billy Miner, “It’s rapidly becoming a Labour heartland, like the North used to be.”

Leaked secret documents show Lib Dem plans for a “Coalition of the Insane” with UKIP – In a bizarre twist to the Lib Dems’ already floundering election efforts, a secret document leaked from Lib Dem HQ has shown plans for an unthinkable coalition with UKIP, dubbed as the “Coalition of the Insane”. It is unclear whether the document was produced as a serious proposal, or whether it was simply drafted during the many hours of downtime at Lib Dem campaign HQ.   


Conservative party rules out anything logical taking place in the next parliament – An increasingly bullish George Osborne has effectively ruled out anything logical taking place in the next parliament, stating that the Conservatives would continue to aggressively cut the deficit, and nothing “not even prevailing logic” will stop them. His statement has been met by a chorus of cheers from party faithful, with William Hague adding that he “would rather see a food bank on every street corner than another penny on the deficit.” 

Natalie Bennett ponders her response when asked what her name is.

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

SALMOND BUYS CROWN AND SCEPTRE AHEAD OF UP-COMING ELECTION

Six-months on from Salmond’s September secessionist hi-jinks, the SNP leader has finally come across another serendipitous circumstance that will unjustly increase his importance once again and understandably, he’s absolutely delighted. The up-coming election in the UK looks about as likely to form a majority government as Jeremy Clarkson is likely to convert to Islam, and Salmond will probably be gift-wrapped another chance to be king-maker and ball-grabbing power broker.

“Ah can’t fuckin wait, pal!” sputtered Salmond at a press conference, whilst gorging on a steaming mountain of Scotch eggs, “When the election results come in, I’ll be waitin’ for the call! And when I get it, Ah’m gonnae make ‘em beg! This time I’m asking for me own army! And they can put me face on the money, know what I mean pal?”

An SNP spokesman, Dougal McDougal, confirmed that Salmond has authorised the purchase of a sceptre and crown, which he believes will be indispensable to the performance of his duties as king-maker in the event that a coalition involving the SNP is formed.

“I didn’t have the heart to tell him that a king, rather than a king-maker, would wear a crown and hold a sceptre,” said a disgruntled McDougal, speaking strictly off the record, “But it’s gone to his head. I mean the other day he shouted ‘Off with his head!’ to the party treasurer, but no one said anything, everyone just pretended like he wasn’t an insane megalomaniac.”  

Unsurprisingly, Whitehall politicians have been grumbling their dissatisfaction at the possibility that Salmond’s influence may once again hang over them, like the floating pong of a nearby field that has been freshly manured.

“It’s a bloody ball-ache,” said Tory party member, Alistair Fetching-Jungespaus, “It’s like that time the Republic of Djibouti got the casting vote at the UN. Oh boy! Didn’t they lord it up! Just like Salmond is now…” 

Salmond checks out the latest YouGov Poll

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

3 REASONS WHY SHAPOOR ZADRAN IS COOLER THAN YOU

1.       He’s international
Shapoor is from Afghanistan, but like many of his generation, he fled his war-torn country and took refuge in neighbouring Pakistan. It was here that the baddest man on the planet learned to play cricket. But wait! There’s more… Zadran made his List-A debut in the Sri Lankan Premier Limited Overs competition for a club side called the Badureliya Cricket Club, who play their home games at a ground called the Surrey Village Cricket Ground in Maggona. Afghanistan, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Surrey. International.

2.       He models himself on Shoaib Akhtar
Learning his cricket in a country with a rich tradition of quality fast bowling, Shapoor had plenty of idols to model his game on. But rather than look to the likes of Imran Khan, Wasim Akram or Waqar Younis, pace bowlers whose craft was finessed with precision and skill, Shapoor trained his eyes one man and one man only - the beast that was Shoaib Akthar. This was for one simple reason: he wanted to look awesome whilst bowling fucking fast. That meant growing your hair, beefing up in the gym and developing a stare which said “I am your Hell”.

3.       His son looks exactly like him
Nothing is more satisfying to a male human than spawning an off-spring which is a miniature cartoon of himself. Shapoor has managed just that. His six year old son is said to be a spitting image of his father, with flowing locks of black hair and a penchant for Shah Rukh Khan inspired fashion.

Zadran on his way to proving it only takes one man to stop a train.

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Filthy Deliveries – The ZEITlies Cricket Blog

5 REASONS WHY THE 2015 WORLD CUP IS THE SAME AS THE 2011 WORLD CUP

1.       It’s all about the batting
Many thought the size of the sub-continental stadiums, coupled with  local groundsmen that often moonlight as road layers, meant that the batting paradise of the 2011 World Cup was unlikely to be repeated in the bouncy, pacey, jumpy all together more leary environment of Australia and New Zealand. As the first phase of the competition nears completion, after twenty or so scores of over 300 and two scores of over 400, the 2011 competition seems like it was held on a minefield at Sabina Park.

The ICC are looking to curb the size of modern bats.
2.       Ireland aren’t that minnow
In 2011 when the Irish scalped the English many thought it was a flash in the pan. After all, what could a team like Ireland do, whose best players are kidnapped to play for nasty old England as soon as they become good. Four years later, after notching up an impressive win against the West Indies and showing a darn sight more fight than their erstwhile masters, the Irish have once again showed, they aren’t that minnow after all.

3.       Pitches are pancake like at worst
Notwithstanding English batsmen’s ability to make good wickets look like horror shows, the tracks in New Zealand and in particular, Australia, have been as flat as they were in the 2011 tournament in the sub-continent. Sadly, it seems that the days of sporty wickets in ODIs are largely gone – regardless of what Peter Moores said after the New Zealand game.

4.       England lose to Bangladesh
Never again would the embarrassment of the 2011 exit to Bangladesh be repeated, proclaimed a mournful and repentant ECB as the last competition drew to a close. Four years, two re-scheduled Ashes tours, and six-months of unbroken ODI cricket later, the English are once again licking their wounds after another embarrassing knock-out to Bangladesh. A leopard may change its spots, but England will always get tonked in World Cups.

A regular feature of the modern day World Cup.

5.       India are right there again…
Fine, they won it in 2011 because it was in their backyard. Who couldn’t win a World Cup if it was in their own backyard? I scored 300 against my brother and mum in my own backyard, and I was only 11. Sure they had the best team and looked the most dominant side, but it’s because it was in their own conditions, right? Well, with maximum points after the first five games of the 2015 tournament, it seems like they might be able to do it in foreign conditions too…   

5 REASONS WHY THE 2015 WORLD CUP IS DIFFERENT TO THE 2011 WORLD CUP

1.       Scoring 300 doesn’t mean you’re hard anymore…
When India lifted the trophy in Mumbai 2011, the losing Sri Lankan captain, Kumar Sangakkara, ever graceful in defeat, suggested even a total of 300 wasn’t safe from batting line-up like the India’s, evoking the idea of 300 being a mythical total that only the very best could attain. You had to be hard to get 300. Not anymore pal, 300 means you can play. 400 means you’re hard.

2.       New fucking Zealand!
Aside from assuming the role of obligatory beneficiary to South Africa’s choking in 2011, New Zealand were largely absent from the last competition. This time however, with a captain jacked up on Maxi-Muscle, impressive bowlers and fervent support from the home crowd, New Zealand look like world beaters.

This time they mean buznuss in the crikut...
3.       Left-arm seamers are hot shit
In 2011 it seemed to be the tournament of the slow dobbler and the rolling dabbler, who would eat up deliveries in the middle overs and suck the life out of an opposing batting side. As a welcome change, 2015 has seen the resurgence of left arm seamers steaming in from over the wicket and generating that often elusive dimension in modern cricket, pace. Starc and Johnson are potent for a strong Aussie side, whereas the giant Irfan forms a dangerous partnership with Rahat Ali for Pakistan. Alistair Cook must be thanking his lucky stars that he isn’t there.

4.       Sachin Tendulkar isn’t there
For the first time since 1987, Sachin Tendulkar isn’t at the World Cup. In 2011, he had a middling tournament, notching an imperious hundred against South Africa in the group stages and 85 to help India past Pakistan in the semis. But when his team lifted the trophy in the final, it was declared to be a win for him. This time, the little master is nowhere to be seen and one would hope that any victorious Indian team would refrain from wheeling him out. Funnily enough, that weird bald man who paints himself green and orange with the word ‘Tendulkar’ on his chest is still there.

He's still there... obviously.
5.       We now know what ‘keys to success’ are…
They brought us myriad innovations with Packer’s World Series Cricket, including the very notion of coloured clothing that is now so unmistakable when thinking of ODI cricket today. Now the Aussies are at it again, giving us illuminated stumps from the Big Bash, sexy real time graphical things called ‘hitzones’ and a whole bunch of weird statistical crap called ‘keys to success’, which may as well be called, ‘fucking obvious statistics’…

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

ANDREW MITCHELL PUT ON HOMICIDE WATCH FOLLOWING PAYMENT OF DAMAGES TO PLEBGATE OFFICER

Disgraced, pleb-calling, Victorian-cycle-riding former Tory Chief Whip, Andrew Mitchell MP, has been put on homicide watch following his settlement of a libel case with Met officer, PC Rowland. Mitchell has agreed to pay a sum of £80,000 in damages following the Plebgate affair, despite his continued protestations of innocence and evidence challenging the credibility of PC Rowland. A furious Mitchell is said to be locked in a padded cell filled with stuffed figurines of Ed Milliband and a baseball bat for him to beat them with.

“He is pretty pissed right now,” said Tory intern, Sienna Henrietta, “When he left the meeting with his lawyers, I saw him punch an old lady outside the office for no reason. Then when the driver farted in the car, he completely lost it. He wound down the windows and started calling everyone a pleb, and then he threw his phone at a Lollypop lady.”

Clinical psychologist, Helen Melon-Choly, claimed that studies have proven conclusively that there is no angrier human than a Tory with a feeling of indignation. She said that depending on your political views, such people should either be lobotomized or made Prime Minister.

Labour leader and five-time “Parliament's Most Punchable Face” Champion, Ed Miliband, has been quick to highlight Mitchell’s payout as evidence of the Nasty Party rearing his ugly head once again. Miliband began commenting on the matter at a visit to a local primary school, but was soon interrupted when a year seven lost his cool and punched the Labour leader in the face.

Mitchell learns that his guns have been taken away.